For the last two mornings in a row, I have woken up way too early and then could not go back to sleep for thinking about all the "stuff" in my house. I think it's actually called "clutter"--that is, if you can see it taking up space. Otherwise, it's just my "stuff" because it's all hidden away. Hidden in places where most people wouldn't even know there is a place. Seriously...this house has several cleverly disguised hiding places that people other than my own daughters, wouldn't even know about.
And where there is space, there must be stuff. At least that's what I guess I've been thinking for years. And now it's overwhelming to me. I can't sleep for thinking about it. And, you'd think that since it's on my mind like this, I'd be eager to do something about it. But no. I can't get motivated. I've prayed about it--that's how serious it is to me. When my mother died, my sister and I had an unbelievable mess to go through--worse than I have right now, but I'm well on my way to catching up with her or possibly even surpassing her. I'm getting so upset with myself. Granted, my stuff is put away neatly--pretty much organized. But, it's still a bunch of stuff I do not need. Some stuff I haven't seen in years! And what's funny about this is that when I have taken the initiative and thrown something out that I had finally decided I didn't need anymore, it felt so good. Okay, this is really silly, but one of my daughters gave me chocolates in a large, heart shaped, clear plastic container for Valentine's Day. I thought my grand daughter would think the box was cool. So, I washed it out and tried to soak off the Russel Stover's label. I couldn't get it off--I just messed it up. But I had that darned thing on the kitchen counter for 5 days before I picked it up and tossed it in the trash. It felt so good.
I must mention that most of my stuff is not trash. I've got some good stuff. ; ) Most of it collectibles and nostalgic stuff that I'm starting to think I could live without. And the crafts! It's so sad...
I'm planning on participating in the Annual Lakewood Garage Sale in June--wish me luck in getting rid of my clutter--the stuff in my house and in my head! : )
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Life's Little Reminders
Just when I thought I had nothing to write about today, BAM! Life tosses me something.
I was all excited about going to the Kansas City Remodeling Show at 10:00 this morning, but wanted to have my Gospel music in the bathroom with me so that I could practice my song in the shower--great accoustics in there. ; ) So, I go out to the garage to get my purple choir folder out of my car where I left it Wednesday night. I can't find the folder. I find the clipboard that I had with me that night, but not the folder. I remember moving it all out of the front passenger seat yesterday before my daughter and I went out for lunch. So, I knew it was out there--somewhere. I looked around the garage thinking that maybe I had taken it out of the car and just never carriede it into the house. I even checked the trash can--you never know. Not there. Now I'm having flashbacks to October when I lost my entire set of keys. Oh no!
Okay, it's cold in the garage, I'm going back in. I will practice my song later. What? The back door is locked! How'd that happen? No problem, I'll get my keys out of the car. I had new house keys made when I lost my others so, no problem. Uh....where are my keys? Oh no...they're in the house on the counter. I carried them in yesterday when we got back from lunch. No problem...I'll just call Angela and she'll come right over and use her key to let me in. Yes! My phone is in my purse in my car where I ALWAYS leave it. Uh....where's my purse? Oh no....it's in the house too. What is going on?!! God, why is this happening to me?!! What have I done to cause this?
Now I'm crying. Not just sobbing...crying hysterically. I'm losing it. Why? Because over the past year or so, it has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion by my children, that I'm losing it. And at this moment, I'm convinced they're right.
I try to calm myself down by talking to myself--another recent development in my life. I decide that I'd better look for a coat in the closet out there because I'm freezing. I hadn't gotten dressed yet. I'm in my slippers and PJs. I find a KC Chiefs hoody. It looks real nice with my black & blue print PJs and my gray slippers. Oh yeah, and my hair. Not pretty. It NEVER is in the morning. There is no way I'm going to open that garage door and walk to a neighbor's house looking like this. So, I start kicking the door. That's how crazy I was at that moment. Kicking the door down seemed like a better idea than going to get help. Funny how kicking a door down always looks so easy to do on TV and in movies. I'm thinking it's because those big burly guys aren't crying while they're doing this. Just a thought... Now I start hurling my body at the door. OUCH! Nope, that's not going to happen. I decide to start looking for something I can use to slip into the small opening by the lock. You know, like a credit card--also something I've seen done on TV. Plus, that's how my daughter got in the last time I got locked out. BTW--I did NOT lock myself out then or now. It was the twins. Yes, it was the twins. They mess with that lock almost every time they come over and they were here yesterday. I will NOT take the blame for that. No luck finding a credit card lying around the garage. And my purse is in the HOUSE!!!!! I do find the rubber mallet I got for Christmas last year and decide to beat the hell out of something. I start banging on the door. Nothing. I decide to whack the knob. Oops, those things dent easily. Somewhere along the way, I hurt my hand. My knuckles are swelling up and it hurts.
I'm defeated. I have to go get help. I reluctantly push the button to open the garage door and head over to the neighbor's house. No one answers the door. I'm afraid they've looked out the window and saw the condition I'm in and the look in my puffy eyes and they're afraid of me. I sulk back home and beat the door again. No luck with that. I head over to a different neighbor's house. They let me in. I call Angela, knowing she's the closest and she has a key. No answer. I leave a voice message. The neighbor starts suggesting that I leave a key somewhere in the garage from now on. Thanks lady--just give me your credit card and shut up! She does---well, actually I didn't say that and it wasn't a credit card. I was just thinking that. The neighbor gave me one of those little cards with the hole punched in it that you carry on your key ring--that's what Angela had used before.
I go back to my garage and I try to figure out how this is done. After about 5 minutes, I'm in! I almost fell into the kitchen when it opened. I can't believe it!! Angela called me moments later and I relayed this story to her. She swears she's never claimed I'm losing it, but she may be rethinking that now. While I've still got her on the phone, I go back out in the garage to look for the purple music folder. I open the back passenger door and I see nothing--at first. Then I see the folder up under the driver's seat. I shreak with joy! Instantly I'm happy.
This is how life (God) works. We are brought to our knees until we cry Holy, and then we're full of joy when our prayers are answered. BTW, that is the song I was going to practice this morning for choir--"I Bowed Down On My Knees And Cried Holy". He works in mysterious ways, for sure.
I was all excited about going to the Kansas City Remodeling Show at 10:00 this morning, but wanted to have my Gospel music in the bathroom with me so that I could practice my song in the shower--great accoustics in there. ; ) So, I go out to the garage to get my purple choir folder out of my car where I left it Wednesday night. I can't find the folder. I find the clipboard that I had with me that night, but not the folder. I remember moving it all out of the front passenger seat yesterday before my daughter and I went out for lunch. So, I knew it was out there--somewhere. I looked around the garage thinking that maybe I had taken it out of the car and just never carriede it into the house. I even checked the trash can--you never know. Not there. Now I'm having flashbacks to October when I lost my entire set of keys. Oh no!
Okay, it's cold in the garage, I'm going back in. I will practice my song later. What? The back door is locked! How'd that happen? No problem, I'll get my keys out of the car. I had new house keys made when I lost my others so, no problem. Uh....where are my keys? Oh no...they're in the house on the counter. I carried them in yesterday when we got back from lunch. No problem...I'll just call Angela and she'll come right over and use her key to let me in. Yes! My phone is in my purse in my car where I ALWAYS leave it. Uh....where's my purse? Oh no....it's in the house too. What is going on?!! God, why is this happening to me?!! What have I done to cause this?
Now I'm crying. Not just sobbing...crying hysterically. I'm losing it. Why? Because over the past year or so, it has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion by my children, that I'm losing it. And at this moment, I'm convinced they're right.
I try to calm myself down by talking to myself--another recent development in my life. I decide that I'd better look for a coat in the closet out there because I'm freezing. I hadn't gotten dressed yet. I'm in my slippers and PJs. I find a KC Chiefs hoody. It looks real nice with my black & blue print PJs and my gray slippers. Oh yeah, and my hair. Not pretty. It NEVER is in the morning. There is no way I'm going to open that garage door and walk to a neighbor's house looking like this. So, I start kicking the door. That's how crazy I was at that moment. Kicking the door down seemed like a better idea than going to get help. Funny how kicking a door down always looks so easy to do on TV and in movies. I'm thinking it's because those big burly guys aren't crying while they're doing this. Just a thought... Now I start hurling my body at the door. OUCH! Nope, that's not going to happen. I decide to start looking for something I can use to slip into the small opening by the lock. You know, like a credit card--also something I've seen done on TV. Plus, that's how my daughter got in the last time I got locked out. BTW--I did NOT lock myself out then or now. It was the twins. Yes, it was the twins. They mess with that lock almost every time they come over and they were here yesterday. I will NOT take the blame for that. No luck finding a credit card lying around the garage. And my purse is in the HOUSE!!!!! I do find the rubber mallet I got for Christmas last year and decide to beat the hell out of something. I start banging on the door. Nothing. I decide to whack the knob. Oops, those things dent easily. Somewhere along the way, I hurt my hand. My knuckles are swelling up and it hurts.
I'm defeated. I have to go get help. I reluctantly push the button to open the garage door and head over to the neighbor's house. No one answers the door. I'm afraid they've looked out the window and saw the condition I'm in and the look in my puffy eyes and they're afraid of me. I sulk back home and beat the door again. No luck with that. I head over to a different neighbor's house. They let me in. I call Angela, knowing she's the closest and she has a key. No answer. I leave a voice message. The neighbor starts suggesting that I leave a key somewhere in the garage from now on. Thanks lady--just give me your credit card and shut up! She does---well, actually I didn't say that and it wasn't a credit card. I was just thinking that. The neighbor gave me one of those little cards with the hole punched in it that you carry on your key ring--that's what Angela had used before.
I go back to my garage and I try to figure out how this is done. After about 5 minutes, I'm in! I almost fell into the kitchen when it opened. I can't believe it!! Angela called me moments later and I relayed this story to her. She swears she's never claimed I'm losing it, but she may be rethinking that now. While I've still got her on the phone, I go back out in the garage to look for the purple music folder. I open the back passenger door and I see nothing--at first. Then I see the folder up under the driver's seat. I shreak with joy! Instantly I'm happy.
This is how life (God) works. We are brought to our knees until we cry Holy, and then we're full of joy when our prayers are answered. BTW, that is the song I was going to practice this morning for choir--"I Bowed Down On My Knees And Cried Holy". He works in mysterious ways, for sure.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Happy Thoughts
I was inspired to write this post today by our pastor, Jeff. I read his blog every morning before I start my day. He has some great tips, thoughts, experiences and some very funny stories.
Today he talked about "happy thoughts". How sometimes we let the bad thoughts take over our minds and ruin our day--our happy thoughts are pushed aside. It really made me think about all the times that has happened to me--especially recently. Why is it that we can dwell so long on bad things in our lives, but we never really celebrate the good things like we should? It's kind of like, why can't ice cream and sweets and all the good fried foods be the stuff we should eat instead of the stuff we shouldn't. Maybe it's not like that at all, but that came to mind for some reason. ; )
So anyway, yesterday someone said something at church that bothered me. It shouldn't have and the person that said it, meant no harm. But I didn't take it well. Bad thing. I sang in the Gospel Choir at 11:15 and my heart just wasn't in it. And the ironic thing about it was, one of the songs we sang was "Oh Happy Day". It was the last song we sang and I realized as I was walking off the "stage", that I didn't feel happy at all. I had let the bad thoughts in my head affect something that usually causes me so much joy. Bad thing.
So I come home and I sit down and turn on the TV--I did not have the motivation to do anything else. Bad idea.
There was nothing good on TV at 11:30 yesterday, but something caught by eye as I was "channel surfing". It was a show on the Discovery Health Channel. The name of the show was Truth Be Told and it was 3 different stories about 3 different people with very rare medical conditions that they had to deal with on a daily basis just to get through a day. All three of them were just heartbreaking, but one really got to me. It was a young girl, 14 years old, who had some kind of condition where the skin over much of her body would blister up and peel away causing infections (if not taken care of immediately) and obviously, a very embarassing sitution for her. She had had it most of her life, but as she came into her teens, it became more of a "social acceptance" thing rather than just the medical condition.
Her mother spent 40 hours a week popping the huge blisters on her body, giving her chlorine and vinegar baths, and then bandaging her body from her feet up to her neck. The girl had lost her fingers due to this condition so she just had little nubs on her hands and couldn't help with her own care. The family spent over $50,000 a year on bandaging supplies alone. One room of their home looked like a hospital supply closet.
It was almost unbelievable.
This particular show was about the young girl attending an 8th grade dance. She had a couple of very close girlfriends and a crush on a boy at school, so she was very excited about going to this dance. You can just imagine what kind of preparations had to be made for this and the show took you through the entire process. The girl was able to wear a "spaghetti strap" dress, but she was bandaged from shoulders to feet, where she needed to be. In addition to all the bandages, her mother also did her hair and make-up. The young girl looked so pretty and so happy. HAPPY. Can you even imagine someone in this position being "happy"?
OMG
Why do we complain about ANYTHING? I sat there and cried like a baby. I have 3 wonderful, healthy daughters, 3 beautiful, healthy grand children. I'm healthy--physically, some wonder about my mental health, but I have nothing in my life that could even compare to what this girl and her family have to deal with on a daily basis. And yet, they were happy.
The last scene in this show was the mother standing outside the auditorium doors peeking in at her daughter who had just been asked to dance by the boy she had a crush on. The mom was crying tears of joy. I was crying tears of guilt or possibly shame.
What a wake up call to see the good in everything--everyday. It's a challenge I hope I can meet.
Footnote:
AN EPIPHANY!! As I was attempting to re-read this post for editing, I realized that God spoke to me yesterday. He pointed out while I was singing Oh Happy Day, that I needed to realize that it really was. He led me to that TV show, which led me to a new way of thinking. Then he led me to Jeff's blog which, in turn, inspired me to write this. Knowing this makes me very happy.
Today he talked about "happy thoughts". How sometimes we let the bad thoughts take over our minds and ruin our day--our happy thoughts are pushed aside. It really made me think about all the times that has happened to me--especially recently. Why is it that we can dwell so long on bad things in our lives, but we never really celebrate the good things like we should? It's kind of like, why can't ice cream and sweets and all the good fried foods be the stuff we should eat instead of the stuff we shouldn't. Maybe it's not like that at all, but that came to mind for some reason. ; )
So anyway, yesterday someone said something at church that bothered me. It shouldn't have and the person that said it, meant no harm. But I didn't take it well. Bad thing. I sang in the Gospel Choir at 11:15 and my heart just wasn't in it. And the ironic thing about it was, one of the songs we sang was "Oh Happy Day". It was the last song we sang and I realized as I was walking off the "stage", that I didn't feel happy at all. I had let the bad thoughts in my head affect something that usually causes me so much joy. Bad thing.
So I come home and I sit down and turn on the TV--I did not have the motivation to do anything else. Bad idea.
There was nothing good on TV at 11:30 yesterday, but something caught by eye as I was "channel surfing". It was a show on the Discovery Health Channel. The name of the show was Truth Be Told and it was 3 different stories about 3 different people with very rare medical conditions that they had to deal with on a daily basis just to get through a day. All three of them were just heartbreaking, but one really got to me. It was a young girl, 14 years old, who had some kind of condition where the skin over much of her body would blister up and peel away causing infections (if not taken care of immediately) and obviously, a very embarassing sitution for her. She had had it most of her life, but as she came into her teens, it became more of a "social acceptance" thing rather than just the medical condition.
Her mother spent 40 hours a week popping the huge blisters on her body, giving her chlorine and vinegar baths, and then bandaging her body from her feet up to her neck. The girl had lost her fingers due to this condition so she just had little nubs on her hands and couldn't help with her own care. The family spent over $50,000 a year on bandaging supplies alone. One room of their home looked like a hospital supply closet.
It was almost unbelievable.
This particular show was about the young girl attending an 8th grade dance. She had a couple of very close girlfriends and a crush on a boy at school, so she was very excited about going to this dance. You can just imagine what kind of preparations had to be made for this and the show took you through the entire process. The girl was able to wear a "spaghetti strap" dress, but she was bandaged from shoulders to feet, where she needed to be. In addition to all the bandages, her mother also did her hair and make-up. The young girl looked so pretty and so happy. HAPPY. Can you even imagine someone in this position being "happy"?
OMG
Why do we complain about ANYTHING? I sat there and cried like a baby. I have 3 wonderful, healthy daughters, 3 beautiful, healthy grand children. I'm healthy--physically, some wonder about my mental health, but I have nothing in my life that could even compare to what this girl and her family have to deal with on a daily basis. And yet, they were happy.
The last scene in this show was the mother standing outside the auditorium doors peeking in at her daughter who had just been asked to dance by the boy she had a crush on. The mom was crying tears of joy. I was crying tears of guilt or possibly shame.
What a wake up call to see the good in everything--everyday. It's a challenge I hope I can meet.
Footnote:
AN EPIPHANY!! As I was attempting to re-read this post for editing, I realized that God spoke to me yesterday. He pointed out while I was singing Oh Happy Day, that I needed to realize that it really was. He led me to that TV show, which led me to a new way of thinking. Then he led me to Jeff's blog which, in turn, inspired me to write this. Knowing this makes me very happy.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
You've Got To Know When To Fold 'Em
Okay, so I was on my own today and at a loss as to what to do. I volunteered for a few hours this morning, did some shopping, dropped off some stuff at the Salvation Army, went to the cemetery and then, of all things, decided to go to the casino. I haven't been to a casino in KC for two years, except to eat at the buffets--the "all you can eat crablegs". But, for some reason today, I had the urge.
I went to the AmeriStar. I put $100, my driver's license and my cell phone in my pockets and went in. Boy did it feel weird--just me, alone, with nothing in my hands, walking into a casino. So, I go right to the 25 cent poker machines. I put in $20. I played for about 20 minutes, got down to $12 and got dealt 4 Aces for a payout of $100. Did I get up and leave with the $192.00? Nope. It was too early--I had just gotten there. I would have felt really stupid walking out after just 20 minutes--it took me longer than that to drive over there. So, I decide to cash out the $112, stick it in my pocket and continue to play with the $80 in my other pocket. Dumb, dumb, dumb. No, I didn't lose all my money, but I did put in another $60.
Yeah, I was still a winner--a dumb winner. You really do have to know when to "fold 'em"--even if it has only been 20 minutes. ; )
I went to the AmeriStar. I put $100, my driver's license and my cell phone in my pockets and went in. Boy did it feel weird--just me, alone, with nothing in my hands, walking into a casino. So, I go right to the 25 cent poker machines. I put in $20. I played for about 20 minutes, got down to $12 and got dealt 4 Aces for a payout of $100. Did I get up and leave with the $192.00? Nope. It was too early--I had just gotten there. I would have felt really stupid walking out after just 20 minutes--it took me longer than that to drive over there. So, I decide to cash out the $112, stick it in my pocket and continue to play with the $80 in my other pocket. Dumb, dumb, dumb. No, I didn't lose all my money, but I did put in another $60.
Yeah, I was still a winner--a dumb winner. You really do have to know when to "fold 'em"--even if it has only been 20 minutes. ; )
Friday, February 5, 2010
TGIF--How about TGIA
We all know what TGIF stands for--Thank God (or Goodness) It's Friday. I used to feel that way in my younger days, but now it's more like Thank God I'm Alive!
Fridays seem boring to me now. When you don't work and have no partner, Fridays are pretty much like the other 6 days of the week. I know, it's the beginning of the weekend for the employed, but I haven't been employed for 32 years now and there was a time when I did look forward to Fridays--if I had something planned. Now, about the only thing I plan is what I'm going to eat, and what time I'm going to bed. Unless I've been asked to watch grandkids. And then it's, what am I going to feed them and what time will they go to bed so I can relax? Now it may seem like I'm complaining, but actually I'm not. I'm just saying, Fridays are no more special than any other day--and we should try to make them all special.
Like Sunday, there's a day to look forward to. Getting cleaned up, going to church, hearing a great message, seeing awesome friends, singing and then usually going out to eat with some of those awesome friends. In fact, as I sit here and type this, I realize that the things I look forward to most in life involve my church in some way. That's definitely a good thing. Members of my family are even showing up at church more frequently--that's even better.
And TGIA to enjoy it all. ; )
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Where has my creativity gone? I used to be creative--at least I thought so. Now I'm just someone who never finishes a project. Okay, some of my projects are (years) old, so the word "now" is a bit misleading. Here is a list of some of the unfinished projects that are sitting around my house or that are actually a part of my house:
a wildlife needlepoint project
a denim rag quilt
more than 1 crocheted afghan
the artwork on a potting bench I started about 8 years ago (actually, I have several unfinished pieces of artwork)
a recipe scrapbook
a scrapbook for one of my daughters
a gazing ball for one of my daughters
a bathroom I started redecorating last year
the garage I started painting last fall
carpet and baseboard work in a spare bedroom
putting photo albums together
a couple of applique sweatshirts
And I'm sure there are dozens of other unfinished things in boxes that I choose not to open. Oh! And here's the best part. I've decided to start making my own jewelry. I have beads and wire and little tools and instruction books spread out all over a table downstairs. There must be a name for this besides just "procrastination". Something medical so that I can get a precription that will help motivate me to get it all done. Yeah right!!
So, until someone does find an answer for my problem, I will just continue to write about it. I usually finish what I start writing--no, that's not true either. I started writing my life story about 20 years ago. But I do have an excuse for that...my life's not over yet. ; )
a wildlife needlepoint project
a denim rag quilt
more than 1 crocheted afghan
the artwork on a potting bench I started about 8 years ago (actually, I have several unfinished pieces of artwork)
a recipe scrapbook
a scrapbook for one of my daughters
a gazing ball for one of my daughters
a bathroom I started redecorating last year
the garage I started painting last fall
carpet and baseboard work in a spare bedroom
putting photo albums together
a couple of applique sweatshirts
And I'm sure there are dozens of other unfinished things in boxes that I choose not to open. Oh! And here's the best part. I've decided to start making my own jewelry. I have beads and wire and little tools and instruction books spread out all over a table downstairs. There must be a name for this besides just "procrastination". Something medical so that I can get a precription that will help motivate me to get it all done. Yeah right!!
So, until someone does find an answer for my problem, I will just continue to write about it. I usually finish what I start writing--no, that's not true either. I started writing my life story about 20 years ago. But I do have an excuse for that...my life's not over yet. ; )
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